Date: March 10, 2008 at 18:01:26
From: Nikki
Age: 35
Subject: Re: Tough times
Wow. Nothing like a very complicated situation to address on a lowly advice board. And yours is quite the situation.
First off, if you truly think of your bf as an asshole, it's time to move on. Dating is not only for developing a relationship, it's for evaluation. If he doesn't cut it with you, then why are you still seeing him?
You have kids. You can't afford to dork around with some guy you don't think the MOST highly of. From now on, if you are dating someone you don't think is excellent, then cut him loose. You have children to think about, and you don't want to subject them to anyone you think of as less than stellar. You owe them that much!!!!!!!!!!! Your choices aren't just about YOU anymore.
So that brings me to the subject of deal breakers.
I can understand why your mother has concerns.
If you've loved this man for seven years, then why weren't you with him before this?
If you WERE with him at one time, then why didn't things work out? The answer to that question is extremely important!!! If his feelings weren't strong enough, for example, what has changed? Is it that now he's vulnerable, he perceives that his chances of finding a mate have lessened? Or is it that you could never get him interested enough before, but now that he's injured you think you have a better chance? Or were there other issues that were deal breakers? Drugs, alcohol, unfaithfulness, etc.? Be honest with yourself about the answer to why you weren't with him. Factor that answer into your desire to be with him now.
I commend you for loving the person and not just the looks. Still, at 24, I wonder if you really and truly comprehend what you would be getting yourself and your children into if you married a paralyzed person with other disabilities too.
I just have to think that you don't realize the ramifications. Have you thought about finances? Do you fully understand what it is to care phyically for someone who is disabled like this? What if he could never work? Once again, you have children. Your problems become theirs.
Don't minimize any problems! Yes, problems can be worked around. It isn't that I think a disability precludes a relationsip. It's just that I wonder how a 24 year old with two children could deal with all that would be involved.
I think that one of the hardest lessons I ever learned in my life is that you can love someone all your life, but that DOESN'T mean you should be in a relationship with that person. A lot of factors besides just love should always be considered.
Think hard. Your choices are REALLY important for your children. Don't try to brush off those things you would rather not acknowledge because they don't suit your desires. Give them real weight. Be honest in your thinking. At 24, your choices are not one person versus this other person. They are infinite.
Finally, as a young mother of two, you should primarily be focused on your kids and improving your job skills. You have important responsibilities. Good luck.
|
View the previous message in this thread
Go to the top of this thread
View entire thread
|
