Date: January 22, 2010 at 09:25:16
From: Nikki
Age: 37
Subject: Re: Nikki?
Hi Thomas!
I was hoping you would post and fill me in on what's up with you. I hope you are able to keep working on your art! I'm sure it's excellent. From your posts here, you are a highly insightful intelligent person who would certainly bring that perspective to his art. Surviving as an artist can't be easy, but is has to be so gratifying.
Things are back to normal here...almost.
Henry has been back to work for the better part of a year. He's doing well, but his company is still struggling to hold on until this recession is over. Manufacturing got hit really hard. Business is down over fifty percent...and that's after the recent upswing in orders.
I can see changes in Hank. He tries exceedingly hard to act like himself, but sometimes I think he is going through the motions more than experiencing life on the level he used to. I'm not sure if he will ever be the same, but I am hopeful.
Of course, I am different too. I guess I would explain it this way. I think there is a distinctive but intangible quality surrounding a person that I think of as that person's energy or aura. Hank's has changed. It's muted. My reactions seem to be reserved somewhat as if I am protecting myself on some level.
Don't get me wrong. I love him deeply. If anything, I love him more when I view him as wounded. But....
Here is an example. We just had an anniversary, and the card Hank gave me was lovely. He had written the sweetest things in it. What he wrote brought tears to my eyes, just like always.
It wasn't the same to me though.
It seems to me that he still doesn't FEEL things on the level he did. Does that make sense? He wrote the sentiments, and I know he means them. At the same time, he isn't fully experiencing anything like he used to.
He told his therapist that he doesn't think he conveys his feelings as well as he did before. I think it's more that he doesn't experience them the same way. The medications and depression act as a filter. Nothing is as bright.
Try as I might, I don't react as strongly when I sense less emotion involved. I know it isn't his fault. And I know that he loves me more than anyone else in this world. He always says he loves me more than life itself, and although I don't like that, I feel it is true. He is giving me all of what he has to give right now. It is costing him to try as hard as he does. What he has to give is not what was there before this happened.
I am trying to be honest. So in all honesty, I will say that despite what I just wrote, there are plenty of happy days and things are so much better than just a few months ago!
We got a dog as therapy for Hank, and he is beautiful. I love beauty in all its forms. He is also a rowdy and BIG puppy who keeps me very busy. As if I wasn't busy enough. :)
I wish Ren would post and give us an update. Thanks for yours! Here's to a great 2010!
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